Sometimes I feel like a complete failure.
I know I tend to portray myself as a spoiled, nap-taking and work fearing human with no responsibility but this really isn’t the case. Although, naps are important. I stand by that.
I had a rare opportunity to devote myself to kindness, love, forgiveness, truth and freedom. Creating,writing, community development and sharing art seem to be the result. I have just finished my second book and am looking to publish in the fall. I have a growing collection of acrylic paintings and if a friend needs me to just sit there and listen I will. I get to witness huge smiles on the faces of those in my drum groups.
Sometimes though, I look at the world around me. Most people are working to make money and are unhappy because they don’t have enough time to spend with family or friends. What arises for me from time to time is the feeling that I should be different from how I am. That because I’m not working a conventional full-time job I don’t measure up to the world’s definition of success. I know this is bullshit but it affects me. Especially knowing that some people see me as flaky. And maybe I am.
The truth is that I actually love to work. I just don’t love to work at stuff that keeps me on a treadmill while others get rich from my hard work. That makes no sense to me.
What is the real world that everyone keeps referencing in regards to life? The common misery on the faces of those who have been tricked into thinking they actually are indebted slaves? That is NOT the real world.
The only time that I every feel like I am not good enough or not enough is when I measure myself against the world’s definition of success.
My brother said something to me a year ago that actually pissed a few people off when I repeated it to them. He said, “basically, when you make enough money at something people will shut the fuck up”. Until then I’m just a starving artist according to the world de facto standard.
Here’s the thing: I’m not starving. I’m no longer struggling. I wake up everyday with the ghost of failures past and then I go walk with the God of my understanding. As I walk, I’m reminded of who I really am. I forgive. I let go and I commit to simple things like smiling all day and being kind to everyone I meet. Even the major assholes!
According to statistics, the world’s gross domestic product is 72 trillion dollars. For my next artful performance I will squeeze out a portion of that so that my status gets elevated from flaky to eccentric.
I will still feel at times like a failure who is not enough!!! Regardless, I will continue to devote myself to kindness, love, forgiveness, truth, freedom and letting go while on walks with God. The result will still be creating, writing, community development and sharing art.