1. People that talk to God are called ‘Religious’.
2. People that God talks to are called ‘crazy’, or worse; gurus who write books.
3. People that talk to the government are protestors, media or lobbyists.
4. People that the government talks to are typically in trouble for something.
5. In a loan transaction both parties (the banker and borrower) enter with empty pockets. One party leaves with a debt liability and the other holds a securities asset. Good times if you’re the banker.
6. Human inter-action and connectivity is the new economy.
7. Life is NOT like a box of chocolate because sometimes it gets hot out and then everything would just melt leaving nothing but nuts and brown liquid. Gross. And besides, when did we start taking advice from retards?
8. Creative animals have the innate ability to facilitate heaven or hell on any given planet. Where’s your head at?
9. The very act of ‘believing’ in something creates a duality thereby separating you from the very thing in which you believe. It’s better to do your best to BE the thing.
10. Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada is poised to become the central distribution hub for the future North American Union. Which also may be complete bullshit… just like the European Union right? That was complete bullshit at one point in history.
11. None of the Beatles merchandise was released on Itunes, Rock band or any other medium until the holder of the publishing rights a.k.a. Michael Jackson mysteriously died. Two weeks later… BAM… beatle mania once again. Just sayin.
12. How many people enter the field of psychology or psychiatry in order to intellectually offset the need to work through their own mental-emotional issues?
13. There are 13 moons in a given trip around our sun. The original measurement of this is called a “moonth”. Now called month with an inaccurate catholic time measurement system that hides* the 13th moon.
*Probably due to the fact that a multitude of superstitious idiots drive the assumption based information economy.
14. If I had a cat, I would name it pss pss pss pss pss. Part of its name would be me wiggling my fingers together. This is the only way to get a cat to come to you so please stop fooling yourself by calling them fluffy or Mr. Higgins.
15. Why do we say “ass-less” chaps? Aren’t all chaps ass-less? I’m trying to think up a word for chaps that aren’t ass-less. Hmmm, oh yeah, they are called “LEATHER PANTS”
16. Some people have said to me, ”Oh yeah, well you just want your cake and eat it to!”. Let me ask those people this question: Why the fuck would you have a cake… and not eat it? Now, I’m a masochist in various ways but I will tell you this; I’m eating the fucking cake.
17. Let’s say that you have sex with a cooked turkey and then you eat that turkey. Would you be more tired because you just had sex or because of the tryptophan coursing through your blood stream?
18. I started to ask homeless people for spare change. My reasoning is simple. Who’s likely to have change? Me? Or the guy who spends his entire day asking for spare change?
19. The faces that animals make while humping are hilarious. I use the word ’humping’ because no one has taught them any other way. Animals hump. They get all serious and make faces of confusion mixed with joy.
20. If you say ‘humping’ in reference to people you’d better be about 9 years old. Otherwise you may be dysfunctional.
21. I don’t typically go to see female strippers unless it’s for some stupid stag because a group of guys can’t think outside of the box. Get it? “box”? (that’s a slang word for vagina). Anyways, females are at least beautiful, elegant and graceful so it’s somewhat enjoyable despite the old creepy drunk dude staring them down. Male strippers however are awkward. They might as well just do that flip-flappy thing with their penises that so many girlfriends/wives tend to roll their eyes at. Just in case you can’t visualize this, it sounds like this: whip whap whip whap whip whap whip whap!
22. Do Asian circle jerks end with a bunch of guys cumming on a fortune cookie? Does the loser who has to eat the cookie also have to read the sopping wet fortune that says, “you will find wisdom amongst close friends”?
23. The award winners that get to the podium and say “I’m living proof that if you just believe and go for your dreams they’ll come true”. Haha. They say this to all of the others that totally went for their dreams and DIDN’T succeed. Unless of course the dreams of those that failed were to not have a job, lose their wife and have the car repossessed. Then I say, “congratulations!!!” I always believed in you.
24. When I was a little kid I was deathly afraid of catching ‘cooties’ from girls.
25. When I turned 20 that fear became ‘the clap’ and ’crabs’.
26. I often wonder if a ‘Thesaurus’ is a literary dinosaur*.
(* Sigh. That one was lame. Sorry.)
27. If I discovered a new planet… I would call it ”my anus”.
28. What ever happened to the “skin colored” crayon?
29. I’m surprised that female strip clubs don’t have to shut down for “menstrual week” every month. (Hey, they could have 1/2 priced bloody mary’s on special to celebrate.)
30. Why do people ask “can I ask you a question?” Didn’t you just ask me a fucking question by asking if you could ask me a question?
31. Children love balloons…
32. I love doing these random thoughts because I really have to think on my feet. This, as opposed to on my meds.
33. A great name for a bar would be ‘Alcoholics Unanimous’.
34. Humans don’t have as much impact on the universe as we tend to think. If it is moving toward entropy, it has nothing to do with us.
35. Jesus probably would not wear a what would Jesus do braclet!
36. Homeless people could learn a lot from people who have homes.
37. Really though, where ever you lay your head is your home so we should call them ‘houseless’. Still, they could learn a lot from people with houses.
38. An appropriate name for Jewish penguins would be ‘The Iceburgs’. Don’t even get me started on the Bernstein Bears. First off, bears cannot be dentists or own media companies.
39. Time could simply be a psychological trick that arises from the appearance of moving parts within the infinite universe. How do I know the universe is infinite? Because LSD told me so in my twenties and it still makes perfect sense to this very day. If anyone would like to counter this idea, then please do.
40. Our eyes are black holes and light has to catch up to us in order to be perceived. So, how fast are we travelling then? Relatively speaking of course.
41. Sometimes life is like a box of chiclets. You get two small chewy squares that inevitably taste like shit within a minute.
42. We should change the name of Monday to Dorisday because Monday sucks for most people and Doris Day is awesome.
43. A group of crows is called a murder and a group of owls is called a parliament.
44. Knowing what a group of owls is called makes me think. The global leaders meet once per year in Bohemian Grove up in California for the cremation of Care ritual and mock child effigy sacrifice to Molech (the owl god). Maybe that’s why we call the places where they meet the rest of the time ’parliament buildings’?
Anyways, enough about old gay frat house weirdos frolicking in the red wood forest. Back to randomness…
45. If all matter in the universe was originally compressed into a speck the size of a grain of sand, then I have some questions.
a) what was on the outside of that sand? And don’t just say “nothing”!!!
b) How can we in our genius claim that it was the size of a grain of sand when there was apparently nothing else measurably relative to that grain of sand?
c) Can anyone successfully prove to me that we are not still in that grain of sand and that what we experience as the universe is just life in the speck?
46. I was very very sad when I found out that my Schizophrenic friends weren’t real.
47. I think that these random thoughts are stupid but I love them at the same time because they allows me to just say whatever I want and I can even have a run on sentence that just keeps going on and on because after all, it’s random and who cares.
48. The jury is out. It doesn’t matter what happens if a zombie bites a vampire or vice versa because they are both dead. Although, it was concluded that vampires would win in a battle because zombies are stupid and vampires are cool.
49. I bet peeping toms suffer in silence at all of the people watching T.V. instead of having awesome sex.
50. It is amazing how many people go to coffee shops to sit alone… with other people who are also at coffee shops sitting alone. Is this what purgatory is like?
51. Sometimes, I’ll see a guy get up from his date at the restaurant to go to the washroom. I time him. If he’s any longer than five minutes I think “well, that guy just obviously took a shit”. Gross. I’m eating and don’t need to know this information buddy!!!
52. The other day I saw a woman driving with her dog and they both had on matching outfits. Really? I don’t blame the dog for this behavior.
53. Is it wrong to want to set the Kardashians on fire and redistribute their wealth to the poor?
54. Car alarms are a great way to have other people in the surrounding area say “what a fucking asshole; I hate car alarms; when is that idiot going to shut it off?; someone should go over and smash that car to pieces”.
55. I am sure at one point in history there has been a monk who after dedicating his life to listening, true perception and silence had found him or herself behind the scenes of reality thinking “ok, now what? Do I blog about this?”
56. For reasons that I cannot explain, I believe that I could roll out of a fall from a plane or tall building just by angling my descent properly.
57. I hope that I never have to test the above belief.
58. Who is this mysterious ’they’ that everyone references whenever they say “that’s what they say”?
59. If Al Gore created a set of rules for solving a problem in a finite number of steps, would you call this an Al gore algorithm?
60. Sometimes I declare that I am only going to drink a half of bottle of wine.
61. Sometimes my definition of a half of bottle of wine changes half-way through the bottle of wine.
62. I was considering starting a blog called “the theory of penis envy” and marketing it strictly to women. But really, it would only be to receive email notices that read “Jo-anne subscribed to the theory of penis envy”.
63. My dad was a doctor. Dr. Scholl. I did at one point consider following in his shoes but the only reason for this would be so that I would be called “Dr. Scholl”. Subsequently, people call me this anyway and why would I invest 8 years of my life on that endeavor when I can just pay vital statistics $120 for the legal name change?
64. Reality is a very ancient being from the future residing in the present moment.
65. Anything can only become the potential of what it always was.
66. If your goal is to attain the speed of light then stand still. Be patient for light to catch up to you. Otherwise, you are just abandoning the present moment in order to chase the impossible. How can you catch up to what you fundamentally are?
67. Life is a continuum of choice and consequence so yield to the idiots because they might be you.
68. Whenever someone tells me that they are expecting a baby I say “congratulations” but I secretly think, “well someone had sex at least once in the last few months”.
69. I sometimes type LOL even when I’m not actually laughing out loud.
70. Never tell a joke twice at a party:
A) Everyone heard you the first time.
B) The joke was not funny and…
C) now you really look stupid.
71. ”Open Mike” night at a gay bar is waaaaaaaaaay different from “open mic” night at a straight bar.
72. What was Jesus’s yearly income?
73. No matter what language we speak; A E I O U can be blended together by singing and should probably done on a regular basis by all of us.
74. I think that a funny alias would be AKA or Also known as. That way people would have to say “Chris, also known as also known as”.
75. The entire stock market is a psychological trick founded on the idea that some other idiot will pay more for the same fake intangible idea that you just bought into.
76. Beaver or Polar Bear? This is the great Canadian debate right now. Wow! No wonder we are seen as the global retard. At least we are on the front lines of what is truly important.
77. I’m a big fan of the beaver myself.
78. One of my favorite and harshest Japanese insults is “may you become enlightened in a day”. I will never say this to anyone however. I personally know that this is a nightmare from a bad acid experience 15 years ago that took me about two years to revover from. Trust me, you do not want to know everything at once! Our bodies and psyches are not meant to handle that and I thank God every single day that I didn’t wind up with a big dirty beard screaming about the government to people trying to enjoy their lunch break downtown.
79. Two random food product ideas: Cookies in the shape of ancient Egyptian mummies called “yummy mummies” and rooster shaped suckers. Think about that last one.
80. If life gives you lemons then ask yourself the following question: Did I order lemons? Because I will tell you this; if you ordered lemonade and a waiter brings you a bunch of lemons; and attempts to tell you some bullshit chiche about making lemonade, then send them back. Why do you have to “make lemonade” when he obviously fucked up your order?
81. There is absolutely no forseeable reason for a horn on a car other than to be an asshole. Worst case scenario; you are about to run over someone and you honk your horn. All you will do is alert that person that you are about to run over them. If I’m at a traffic light and don’t notice that it is green for 5 seconds and you honk… you are an asshole.
82. I love the number 13. It is a number of mystery and has this really interesting irregularity to it.
83. Western culture is absurd in that fact that people living on a “14th” floor somehow believe that they are safer because they don’t call it the 13th floor due to bad luck. I’m pretty sure that a low flying, out of control airplane has no prejudice between the number 13 & 14. Chinese culture at least believes the number 13 to be a good luck number. Then again, the wealthiest Chinese couples pay top dollar for Cuban fishermen to cut off the fins of sharks. They eat this in order to increase their vitality. I wonder if the dying, finless shark thought about the number 13 as she wriggled toward the ocean floor?
84. I talk too much and have a tendency to explain things to death. My ability to sense the apprehension of those who have to listen to me has increased over the years. Before, I couldn’t understand why people would gradually back away from me when I spoke about UFO’s. Now I get it!!!
85. They do not fly per se. They work with counter-rotating fields that zero-out gravity and activate its elastic potential. The sub-strata of space allows what appears to be time travel but it is really just a different mode for space travel because time only appears to exist. They are still traveling from A to B, but it is like taking B and bending it so that ‘B’ becomes ‘A’. This is apparently easier to do when you design your vehicles from the viewpoint of light as a unified whole that you are also one with as opposed to clunky metal objects on a linear path.
86. Hey!!! Where did everybody go?
87. I told Michael J. Fox that he would start to uncontrollably shake if he went back in time but he just wouldn’t listen to me and now the DeLorean is broken.
88. I can think of some excellent uses for diaper wipes but none of them involve wiping diapers.
89. One involves after sex clean-up and I can imagine that it would be extremely difficult to explain why you have a box of diaper wipes with you on your first date.
90. The word “rationalize” comes from the root ‘ratio’ which presupposes a division of wholeness. I often wonder how long we humans will continue the business of breaking reality apart until we figure out that it all functions as one?
91. The treasure should always be in the question and not the answer. One question can have many answers and if we become too knowledge based, we tend to shut down leaving little room for expansion.
92. The hardest thing about exploring new territory is throwing away old maps.
93. Love is NOT a commodity.
94. I made up a few new words:
CREAVOLUTION; The creation of evolution within the evolution of creation.
MANICDOTE; A humorous story about depression, manic states and disorderly acts.
95. I’m probably totally wrong but I perceive dark speed to be zero and the activity of light travels toward infinity as a magnetic compulsion back to zero; its original state.
96. It annoys me when two sports teams pray to God for victory. Besides the obvious reality that only one can win/what becomes of the losing teams prayers? Do we really believe that God gives a flying fuck about sports?
97. If we can dedicate 40 hours per week doing things that we’d rather not be doing for a corporation that is perpetuating our global troubles by feeding addiction, then surely we can find some time within our day to love one another and hold compassion for the situation we find ourselves in.
98. War is the death of imagination. Stop screaming at what you are against and begin articulating that which you are for.
99. Numbers like 9, 99 or 999 tend to carry a certain emotional tension that anticipates being resolved by the next number. We can hear this in our own voices when we just count to 100. It sounds like, “ninety-seven, ninety eight, ninety-niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine, one hundred… ah fucking finally!!!”
100. We call them our “pets”. We call ourselves “owners or masters”. We tell them to sit for food and they seem to obey. But as observed from above, human beings are pulled behind on leashes while picking up poop and driving to the store to get them food. So who is the master again?
101. There is only one dimension. It just happens to be multi-dimensional.
102. If there were five people in a room watching T.V. and we suddenly remove the concept of T.V. we would see five people sitting in silence while staring at a wall avoiding one another.
103. I am just a moment.
104. Weeds grow in the soil of regret when we do not tend to our dreams.
105. You will never see a used coffin salesman.
106. There are no flaws in Truth. Only flaws in our ideas about Truth.
107. Secret societies have become so popular these days. I now know that the best way to market something is to call it a secret. Perhaps I should have called my poetry book “secret poems”.
108. Yuor bairn is albe to udnertsnad tihs snetence eevn tghouh olny the frist and lsat ltetres of ecah wrod are crreoct.
109. Thought is both generative and derivative. We get to direct the current. The truth in natural law is that the positive always drives the show. Think about the atom. The proton is coupled with the neutron while the electron whirls about creating the appearance of phenomena. The power of the positive nature is that it moves forward regardless. Negativity is dust in the wind.
110. Everyone is retarded in light of their own potential.
111. You are the 100th monkey.
112. Conclusions are delusions.
113. One liners are a terrible cop-out to coming up with something truly witty or clever. I tried to speak to apathy about this fact but he just didn’t give a shit.
114. Instead of asking your mind to search for a solution to a potentially impossible challenge, simply ask it to remember. All knowledge exists in the present moment and this way of thinking eliminates despair while promoting confidence. You already know. You just have to relax and remember.
115. So I was sitting around a campfire playing a song entertaining some folks. A really drunk guy shows up with kerosene, yelling and pouring it in the fire and on his arm. I say “hey man, do not pour that shit on your arm”. He laughs and starts motioning his arm over the fire. Inevitably, his arm is set ablaze and he starts flailing about. The police show up and arrest him for waiving a fire arm.
116. Sorry about that.
117. A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. (RIP Mitch)
118. Not sorry about that one.
119. I started to go swimming after I almost drowned. Recently, I’ve been treading water. I’ve made it up to 15 minutes so far. As I tread, I contemplate the varying densities of water, air and ground in relation to my body. Perhaps gravity isn’t what we think? Then I start contemplating water treading as a possible metaphor for my life. Now, I’m swimming AND crying.
120. Embrace the randomness because looking back, none of it is.
121. I feel that a good non-profit initiative would be “Blue tooth for the homeless”. This way, they could rant about the government or mumble loudly and people around them would see the Blue tooth ear piece and just think “oh, they must be talking to their friend”. How nice?
122. Irish Wristwatch Irish Wristwatch Irish Wristwatch Irish Wristwatch Irish Wristwatch Irish Wristwatch Irish Wristwatch Irish Wristwatch.
123. Jesus loves you is a beautiful statement unless you’re in a Mexican prison.
124. I purchased this:
It was amongst other suckers in the “barn animals” category at a toy store for kids, but we ALL know that it is technically a “cock sucker”.
125. I find it amusing that governments label cigarette packages with warning labels about how bad it is while they reap the financial benefits from the addictions of those they are supposed to protect and serve. Fuckers.
126. That being said, I’m so thankful that America/Britain/Israel is “liberating” the middle east and look forward to the worlds first Muslim lady gaga.
127. I find people who are offended by the word ‘retard’ to be retarded. We now have to write the word ‘disAbled’ with the emphasis placed on capitalizing the ‘A’ for ability or say ‘handicapable’. I get it, but my spell check doesn’t . I’m pretty sure my handicapable friend picking his balls and then smelling his hand in a grocery store does not care about this debate. In the meantime, let’s make kids toys promoting inclusion…
The stuffed buffalo represents the assholes who park in the close spots without a permit.
128. I have a question relating to random thought number 127, but first a rant; People who spend their time on Earth changing words or terms like retard, indian, gay, mail ‘man’ etc, to more politically correct terms like disAbled, native, first persons, hetro-sexually challenged, mail person should be punched in the face repeatedly. My question is simple: What were you before you were black, retarded, native, heterosexual, homosexual, man, women or indian?
129. Humans are the only animals on Earth that don’t realize they are already in paradise. Subsequently, we continue to build skyscrapers over top of that paradise.
130. Oscar the grouch no longer lives in a garbage can. He moved. It is still a garbage can, but it was sold to him as a condo and he now has equity.
131. All in all, we are just these strange beings standing in a field, blinking our eyes at each other wondering what the fuck is going on. We build work buildings, housing structures, schools, malls and fences but the reality is that we are just these strange little beings standing in a field, blinking our eyes at each other, still, wondering what the fuck is going on.
132. The goat caucus was “asked all in favor”?
There was a silence…
A resounding “Naaaaaaaaay”.
So I do these random thoughts. This entertains me. I think of some strange or funny things during the day and when I neglect to write them down, I get upset because my memory is like that of an 82-year-old man these days. Sometimes, I walk into a room, open a drawer and think, I have absolutely no reason to open this drawer. Perhaps the electromagnetic field of Earth is starting to give way? There goes our collective memory! What a weird experience that would be.
133. I think a terrible name to name your daughter would be Jen Natalia. Especially, if your last name is Stomper.
134. Did you know that if you have collection agencies hounding you with calls or letters, you can simply send the CEO of the agency a registered letter giving him 10 days to provide you with his companies proof of claim against you? Also, include that failure to do so places a permanent estoppel on them barring further action. This basically will make the parasites go away because they know that they are a third-party interloper with no claim over you. Unless of course, you give them the power over you because you are afraid. In that case, fuck you.
135. Who taught Shakespeare English anyway? Did they say “William, why are you speaking that way?”.
136. I think that a good landscaping company name would be “ditches n hoes”.
137. I do not know this guy…
But, I love this guy.
138. I think that a great name for my child would be Jesus Christ Scholl. That way, if he’s jumping on the sofa I could yell, “Jesus Christ!!! Stop jumping on the sofa!!! ”Jesus Christ!!! We don’t wear our sandals in the house!!!
139. If mirrors weren’t invented, we’d pretty much have to take other people’s word that we have bums. And for that matter, faces!!! Yes, I could go down to the lake every once in a while to check if my bum was still there but that is quite the walk and I’m more concerned if I still have a face.
140. Walking through the cheese aisle at the grocery store I noticed a label that read “ast cheese” I thought, that is not how one should abbreviate assorted. It was a perfect opportunity for the clerk with the label space issue to make history but he didn’t. Is the world ready for ass cheese?
141. Although no one is entirely clear on the great toilet paper breakthrough, it is rumored to date back beyond the Tang Dynasty of 618 to 907 AD where archeologists found paper/cloth bundles. The great toilet paper breakthrough of 1920 from a marketers perspective was when it became commercially available by Joseph Gayetty. From my perspective, toilet paper breakthroughs are gross and leave you with shit on your fingers.
142. I watched a movie called The Hunger Games. Lenny Kravitz was one of the actors and he was quite good. Immediately I thought, “great!!! Now that Lenny Kravitz is acting in films he can stop acting like a terrible singer in real life.
143. I cannot for the life of me remember what disease Lou Gehrig died from.
144. Why was Usher smiling when he walked out of the dressing room?
Because he was just in Bieber.
145. This is Beerking…
It’s a sport invented by me and my friend James. It is a simple sport involving riding bikes around town while drinking beer. We believe this qualifies as a sport. It’s non-competitive and the worst part of the game being over is that you’re out of beer. I do not however, condone riding with no hands and taking pictures of your self beerking. That is not part of this sport.
146. A good iPhone app and excellent way to be sued would be an app to monitor ones bowel movements/keep track of successes or concerns. I call it, “iBM”
147. I’ve been learning a lot about Braxton Hicks contractions. Is there a redneck town called Braxton? I’m pretty sure these false labor pangs were named after two doctors but it would be cooler if it was named when slack-jawed yokels made a woman’s belly contract just by their unruly presence. Hey ma!!!! its dem Braxton Hicks at the door!!! They want to know if they can use the kiddy pool for their beer”!!! Get it? Because they’re hicks from a place called Braxton? No?
148. The term ‘working under the table’ in Canada refers to receiving cash and not reporting it to the tax mafia. I don’t get it? If you give me 10 beans for painting your room why on Earth would I be forced to give 3 of those beans to people whose sole purpose is to take beans from people?
149. I hired 2 homeless people to work for me the other day. I made them work under the table. Not for cash. I gave them both cheques and some bread. I actually forced them to work under the table outside. ”Now that’s what I call working under the table”!! I said to my business partner as we clanged our glass of champange.
150. Good god, I’ve done 150 of these random thoughts. What is wrong with me? When I confessed my dream a few years ago about becoming a writer I wasn’t thinking it through. I meant “writer that makes money from his endeavors”. Next time, I’ll be clearer Mr. Universe.