1. Never tell a joke twice at a party:
A) Everyone heard you the first time.
B) The joke was not funny and…
C) now you really look stupid.
2. ”Open Mike” night at a gay bar is waaaaaaaaaay different from “open mic” night at a straight bar.
3. What was Jesus’s yearly income?
4. No matter what language we speak; A E I O U can be blended together by singing and should probably done on a regular basis by all of us.
5. I think that a funny alias would be AKA or Also known as. That way people would have to say “Chris, also known as also known as”.
6. The entire stock market is a psychological trick founded on the idea that some other idiot will pay more for the same fake intangible idea that you just bought into.
7. Beaver or Polar Bear? This is the great Canadian debate right now. Wow! No wonder we are seen as the global retard. At least we are on the front lines of what is truly important.
8. I’m a big fan of the beaver myself.
9. One of my favorite and harshest Japanese insults is “may you become enlightened in a day”. I will never say this to anyone however. I personally know that this is a nightmare from a bad acid experience 15 years ago that took me about two years to revover from. Trust me, you do not want to know everything at once! Our bodies and psyches are not meant to handle that and I thank God every single day that I didn’t wind up with a big dirty beard screaming about the government to people trying to enjoy their lunch break downtown.
10. Two random food product ideas: Cookies in the shape of ancient Egyptian mummies called “yummy mummies” and rooster shaped suckers. Think about that last one.
11. If life gives you lemons then ask yourself the following question: Did I order lemons? Because I will tell you this; if you ordered lemonade and a waiter brings you a bunch of lemons; and attempts to tell you some bullshit chiche about making lemonade, then send them back. Why do you have to “make lemonade” when he obviously fucked up your order?
12. There is absolutely no forseeable reason for a horn on a car other than to be an asshole. Worst case scenario; you are about to run over someone and you honk your horn. All you will do is alert that person that you are about to run over them. If I’m at a traffic light and don’t notice that it is green for 5 seconds and you honk… you are an asshole.
13. I love the number 13. It is a number of mystery and has this really interesting irregularity to it.
14. Western culture is absurd in that fact that people living on a “14th” floor somehow believe that they are safer because they don’t call it the 13th floor due to bad luck. I’m pretty sure that a low flying, out of control airplane has no prejudice between the number 13 & 14. Chinese culture at least believes the number 13 to be a good luck number. Then again, the wealthiest Chinese couples pay top dollar for Cuban fishermen to cut off the fins of sharks. They eat this in order to increase their vitality. I wonder if the dying, finless shark thought about the number 13 as she wriggled toward the ocean floor?