Tag Archives: comedy

October 31, 2011

The random thought show

By Love, Art & Fear

1.  My only rule for LSD was simple:  If I suddenly believe I can fly, I have to start from the ground.  If I can make it off of the ground then I just have to learn to land and can control the test.  This is way better than dying from a 100 foot fall. 

2.  I bet Halloween would suck for people who were raped by someone wearing a pumpkin costume. 

3.  My favorite spelling rule is this; “i before e, except after c”.  The following words are reasons why I love this rule:  weird, weight, their, heist, heights and reign. 

4.  Nothing great has ever occurred by NOT breaking the rules.

5.  Give a man a fish and you’ll feed him for a day.  Unless, he is deathly allergic to fish, goes into anaphylactic shock and dies.  Then you’ll have fed him for a lifetime. 

6.  Space.  You wouldn’t know this but I’ve been sitting here staring at the word ‘space’ on this fucking computer for 30 minutes with nothing to write.  What a waste of time. 

7.  Time.  I’ve decided to just start writing.  The key to these post has zero to do with thinking and everything to do with just moving to see what comes out.  Time doesn’t really exist so therefore it wasn’t a waste after all.  Time is just the appearance of moving parts within space. 

8.  Space again.  We often say “space travel” when talking about travelling to visit other planets but that is ridiculous because the last time I checked we were already in space travelling at an amazing speed. 

9.  Technically, the room that I perceive myself in and this body are made of the exact same substances.  Those substances are made of sub-atomic happenings that are approximately 1% of the reality.  The remaining 99% is empty space which all phenomena arises and only tends to exist.  What do I think this means?  We are space.  Einstein said “what do the fish know of the water in which they swim”.  Refer to number 7.

10.  Imagine being a fish and acting on the impulse to chomp down on a worm only to be yanked out of the water by a hook in your mouth.  I’m really happy that extraterrestrials only use electromagnetic technology to catch us.  My appearance is important and I don’t need some unsightly scar on my lip because some redneck E.T. was teaching his stupid son how to fish for humans. 

11.  I think that we should take everyone who has ever been on dancing with the stars, put them in a capsule that perpetually shakes and shoot them off into what we call “space”.  Then I might watch the show and the name “Dancing with the Stars” would be more accurate.  Stars?  Chastity Bono wasn’t a star when she had an innie, so how does giving her an outtie and transforming her into a fat trucker shoot her to stardom?

12.  Forget everything you just read, go into the world today and be kind to each other. 

13.  Nothing is random.

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October 28, 2011

His spelling is atroshis

By Love, Art & Fear

Over the past year my editing skills have improved drastically.  I scan my posts several times with the eagle eye to prevent looking like a dummy.  Every so often I miss something and I cannot help hoping that so does everyone else.

Yesterday I was horrified to check my site via my phone and find the title of the post “Contempation” instead of Contemplation staring back at me.  I couldn’t fix it from my phone so it just had to sit there while I “contempated” running home to the computer. 

Later, I opened up my email to read “Grade 10″ in the subject line from my good friend Reid at http://readreidread.wordpress.com/  I know what this means.  It’s an on-running joke that Reid and I share and it’s come a long way since the first email I opened with the subject line “I’M NOT YOUR FUCKING GRADE 10 ENGLISH TEACHER!!!” 8 months ago.  I actually wish that my grade 10 English teacher had said that to me because I probably wouldn’t have grown up so academically lazy.  Considering that it is my ambition to write books, I would probably be wise to pay attention to detail. 

Here I thought I was completely on the ball with my eagle eye checking every word and every sentence structure but I forgot to check the obvious.  THE TITLE of the post.  Or….

Maybe I did it on purpose to keep everyone on their toes? 

Not true.  That’s a cop-out suggestion but, truth be told I didn’t have a post idea for today so it kind of worked out in the end. 

So, from now on I shall keep checking and double checking and then checking again.  After all, I wouldn’t want to discredit all of the random thoughts posts that I’ve done:)  Just for fun, I’ve linked all of them below.   

RT one.

RT two

RT three

RT four

RT five

RT six

RT seven

2 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , | posted in Art

September 7, 2011

Random thoughts again

By Love, Art & Fear

1.  We should change the name of Monday to Dorisday because Monday sucks for most people and Doris Day is awesome.

2.  A group of crows is called a murder and a group of owls is called a parliament. 

3.  Knowing what a group of owls is called makes me think.  The global leaders meet once per year in Bohemian Grove up in California for the cremation of Care ritual and mock child effigy sacrifice to Molech (the owl god).  Maybe that’s why we call the places where they meet the rest of the time ’parliament buildings’?

Anyways, enough about old gay frat house weirdos frolicking in the red wood forest.  Back to randomness…

4.  If all matter in the universe was originally compressed into a speck the size of a grain of sand, then I have some questions.  

 a)  what was on the outside of that sand?  And don’t just say “nothing”!!!

 b)  How can we in our genius claim that it was the size of a grain of sand when there was apparently nothing else measurably relative to that grain of sand? 

c)  Can anyone successfully prove to me that we are not still in that grain of sand and that what we experience as the universe is just life in the speck?

5.  I was very very sad when I found out that my Schizophrenic friends weren’t real.

Here are links to other random thought posts:

Click me 1

Click me 2

Click me 3

Click me 4

1 comment   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | posted in Art

August 20, 2011

The near miss

By Love, Art & Fear

I just came back from an absolutely awesome week at the lake.  My spirit is renewed.  I feel refreshed and full of excited anticipation for the future. 

Initially, I titled this post ‘the near miss’ because I came back late from vacation and didn’t have this post scheduled.  This would have put a smudge on my post a day for a year record and I would have heard “sure, but there was that one day that you missed” in my mind every time I congratulated myself.  

As I read the first sentence I realized that I recently almost missed out on something once in a lifetime and it would have been my biggest regret in life thus far.  I almost chose financial security over Love… over Truth.  Me!!!  Can you believe that?  I can hardly believe it myself because I’m all about the art, the love, comedy, mystery and the freedom of it.  I seriously feel as though I was about to walk into traffic and someone grabbed my shirt, pulled me back and said “hey idiot!!!  Look where you’re going!!!” 

I’m not about to get into details about this.  That’s the mystery I leave for you:)  I will say this; don’t ever allow money to dictate your choices.  I know that is hard to hear and live because this world tells us how important money is.  Money is a great servant and a terrible master so use it but don’t let it control your thoughts.

Love is a great servant and a great master so let that be your guide as you move through this life. 

I don’t know what is around the corner however I do have faith that it is going to be fucking great.

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June 3, 2011

Far Side

By Love, Art & Fear

Almost every time I go into a book store I visit the “comics” section in hopes of finding the new Far Side collection by Gary Larson:  The gold standard of cartoons.

Gary,

Please come back.  We’ve been left to suffer through “comics” that are not worthy of that title and at most invoke a “hmm, that’s kind of funny” response.  If you choose not to, then I understand but know that you are loved.

Sincerely,

Chris

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March 10, 2011

Rant 2

By Love, Art & Fear

I don’t really read the newspaper.  This is why:

“Cartoon characters on box affect kids’ cereal choices”  TORONTO — Youngsters say they like the taste of a breakfast cereal more when there’s a popular character on the box, a small study indicates.

A small study indicates?  That was front page news.  While I suppose I’m happy that it wasn’t a new murder or some latest political scandal my first thought was, “Really?  Someone funded a study to discover that gem?  Isn’t this marketing 101 for idiots?” 

A few years back the government and certain private sources funded my million dollar research project.   My hypothesis was that the sky is blue.  As it turns out the sky is in fact, not blue.  The way our eyes read light is negative so what we are seeing is actually the absence of blue in the light spectrum.  The dust, gas and other debris floating about in our atmosphere reacts to the incoming light from the sun.  Technically, the sky is reddish-brown but the reflective capacity of Earth mixed with how our eyes take in light… it appears blue.

But I digress. 

All of that may be bullshit but I will tell you this:  I didn’t even need five dollars to tell you that cartoons on cereal boxes affect kids choices.  Or why McDonald’s playland is red, blue and yellow.  Or why merchandisers conveniently place candy eye level to kids at grocery stores.  Are we as consumers seriously so clueless that we require studies to point out the obvious?

If so, I can accept the Truth and invest my time in thinking up clever things to sell to idiots. 

For my next million dollar research project I will see what happens when I actually throw shit at a fan.  The reason for this is simple; I’m curious and I don’t understand where the popular saying “when the shit hits the fan” came from.  Why on Earth would shit hit or even be close to a fan?  Who would throw shit at a fan in order for shit to hit the fan?  Why do I spend my days thinking of this stuff?

But again… I digress.

1 comment   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Fear

March 4, 2011

Life…

By Love, Art & Fear

I had a wonderful coffee meeting yesterday with my friend Reid from http://www.readreidread.com/.  Incredibly talented writer, spiritual ally and great friend.  He pointed out that his favorite sentence in one of my posts: Patience in evolution was “life is amazing”.  I felt that it is appropriate to elaborate upon this. 

Sometimes we forget that we are this unique conscious species spinning on a life covered planet seemingly in the middle of nowhere.  Everything in our quantum universe is so perfectly balanced that we get the rare opportunity to wake up in the morning and experience what we call ”our day”.  Every so often, in the midst of complaining about my cold Starbuck’s coffee or how the asshole driver in front of me is taking too long to accelerate when the light turns green; I stop and remind myself that life is in fact unbelievably amazing. 

I have travelled about this world a bit and have come to see beauty everywhere I go.  I love meeting new people and exploring new territory.  My friend Trevor once said that “life is as beautiful as it is tragic” and I would like to further point out that we get what we see.  If our mind is primed to see tragedy then we will see life as tragic.  While this issue of focus seems obvious we still tend toward auto-pilot.  For instance, when someone asks me how I am doing.  If I say “fantastic, everything is good” then they tend to say “that’s good”.  If I respond with ”terrible”, then the response is usually “why, what’s wrong?”.  Our monkey mind craves the gossip and drama.  Slowing down and appreciating everything requires very little effort.  

In an earlier post entitled “Humility” I stated that my current mantra was “I don’t know”.  This is still true but now it has an addendum…  I don’t know but life sure is amazing.  Rather than complaining that it’s snowing out again, I will contemplate how snow happens.  This isn’t going to happen all of the time though.  Sometimes there are just days where I feel like shit and I have a right to that experience too.  The point is that there is always room for improvement in regards to my optimism, empathy, compassion and capacity to love. 

Here is comedian Louis CK’s perspective

I’m grateful to be surrounded by such loving and supportive people.  At the times where life hands my ass to me, I can rest in the thought that I have huge resources of awesome to draw from. 

Life is amazing and I am blessed.  So are you. 

Celebrate that.

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February 21, 2011

13 random thoughts

By Love, Art & Fear

1.  People that talk to God are called ‘Religious’.

2.  People that God talks to are called ‘crazy’, or worse; gurus who write books. 

3.  People that talk to the government are protestors, media or lobbyists.

4.  People that the government talks to are typically in trouble for something. 

5.  In a loan transaction both parties (the banker and borrower) enter with empty pockets.  One party leaves with a debt liability and the other holds a securities asset.  Good times if you’re the banker.

6.  Human inter-action and connectivity is the new economy.

7.  Life is NOT like a box of chocolate because sometimes it gets hot out and then everything would just melt leaving nothing but nuts and brown liquid.   Gross.  And besides, when did we start taking advice from retards?

8.  Creative animals have the innate ability to facilitate heaven or hell on any given planet.  Where’s your head at?

9.  The very act of ‘believing’ in something creates a duality thereby separating you from the very thing in which you believe.  It’s better to do your best to BE the thing.

10.  Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada is poised to become the central distribution hub for the future North American Union.  Which also may be complete bullshit… just like the European Union right?  That was complete bullshit at one point in history.

11.  None of the Beatles merchandise was released on Itunes, Rock band or any other medium until the holder of the publishing rights a.k.a. Michael Jackson mysteriously died.  Two weeks later… BAM… beatle mania once again.  Just sayin.

12.  How many people enter the field of psychology or psychiatry in order to intellectually offset the need to work through their own mental-emotional issues?

13.  There are 13 moons in a given trip around our sun.  The original measurement of this is called a “moonth”.  Now called month with an inaccurate catholic time measurement system that hides* the 13th moon. 

*Probably due to the fact that a multitude of superstitious idiots drive the assumption based information economy.

1 comment   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | posted in Love

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