Some people say that they wouldn’t go back and change anything because it made them who they are today. I would. I would go back and change the choices I made that hurt other people. Those didn’t make me who I am today. Those leave me filled with remorse and they reduce the other. I wouldn’t change it in order to rid myself of remorse. I would change it to rid the other of the hurt. I realize that some times we have to make decisions for our own health, safety or sanity that others will be affected by but I am not talking about that. I now believe that most emotional hurt comes from either our own fear and attachment to specific circumstances or selfishness. Either way, fear is present.
I have felt hurt and I have caused hurt. Every single time this has happened it was because I or the other were acting in a selfish manner. We have all done this and this is why forgiveness is so important. Fucking hard. Sometimes almost impossible but nevertheless important. Forgiveness is freedom. Blame will consume us.
But what do I know? Perhaps all of it happens for a reason. All I know is this: I desire to love as much as possible because my eyes have been opened to something real. My struggle is that my past selfishness and fear continually bite at my heals. I have to be so diligent to pull these weeds. Otherwise all of my words are empty.
Fifteen years ago I would fire up the old computer with excitement. I remember clicking on the Netscape icon in order to access the “world-wide web”. After about thirty seconds, the sound of a phone dialing would ring out of the computer followed by about sixty-three minutes of “beeeeeeeeeee boooooooo schkwaaaaaaaaaaaaa firrrrrrrrrrrl ztttt ztttt beeeeeeee”… and then lo and behold, I’m finally opening my one email.
This was an amazing time. What a revolution!!!
Now, as I sit at my Mac Powerbook and click on Firefox, I’m good to go at the speed of light… relatively speaking. I believe that all of this instant gratification is actually diminishing our patience. For example; I click on a web-site and it’s taking approximately eight seconds to load. I sigh, roll my eyes and shout “awwwww, for fuck sakes, what’s wrong with this stupid world? I don’t have time for this shit!” and then I click off that site to go to another. What’s up with that?
So in order to remedy this, I have resolved to breath deeply as I sit at the computer and take the time to appreciate where we’ve come in such a short period of history.
The amount of information that we now have access to is staggering. For thousands of years we trudged along making incremental progress and then from 1900 to 1950 we doubled that progress. Every ten years since, the amount of information continues to expand at an exponential rate. I cannot wait to see what will happen in the next fifty years. Life is amazing.
So that is part of what I contemplate while waiting for slow web-sites to load or if my computer has to take a moment to process its emotions. That, and how “googling” myself meant something totally different when I was twelve.